We all love a good internet personality test, don’t we? They tell you what character in The Simpsons you are most like, what Hogwarts house you belong in, and whether you’re psychic or not. They also kill five minutes when you should be doing something else and let you brag to your friends about your results when you compare notes, so all in all they’re pretty great.
Except when one compares you to that most villainous of villains, Lord Voldemort.
The quiz in question was a free online version of a Myers-Briggs test, a personality test that is used to determine how a person responds to and reacts with the world around them. It gives a result based on four preferences; Extraversion (E) vs Introversion (I), Sensing (S) vs Intuition (N), Thinking (T) vs Feeling (F), and finally Judging (J) vs Perception (P). Once you answer the questions you are given a four letter code to your personality type; mine was INTJ which means that I am an introvert who doesn’t suffer fools, loves logic and planning and can be fairly insensitive when interacting with other people. INTJs, the quiz told me, make up about 2% of the population and female INTJs are rarer than unicorn poop, so by this point I’m feeling pretty smug and special, which is exactly the kind of feeling I look for when I’ve completed an internet personality test.
At that point I had no reason to be offended. The test result seemed pretty accurate. I do have a problem with tact, I can’t abide idiots and I am pretty introverted. It was the most favourable internet test result I’d had since the one that placed me in Ravenclaw and so, following the recommendation of the Tumblr post that had held the quiz, I headed on over to TV Tropes to find a list of characters that share my personality type. What follows is a rough transcript of what transpired:
*click scroll scroll*
ME: Ooh Clarice Starling, that’s pretty cool.
ME: Ebeneezer Scrooge?
*scrolls down further*
ME: Hannibal Lecter?!
*scrolls to the last name on the list*
That’s the point where I take offense, but I suppose no one likes being told they’re basically the same as a vengeful genocidal maniac especially when they haven’t ever done anything even remotely vengeful or genocidal in their lives (still time, I guess). There must be some mistake here, I thought. How is Voldemort introverted? Unless his quietness during book 5 was more to do with his crippling anxieties and shyness, rather than a wish to remain unnoticed by the Ministry of Magic. Perhaps there is a deleted chapter somewhere where Bellatrix Lestrange tries to coax poor old Voldy out of the house with the promise that he’d really enjoy the mass slaughter if he’d only give it a try and that no, people aren’t laughing behind his back because of that time he was defeated by a baby, he’s just imagining it.
Then again, I do have a history of identifying with the bad guys. A Facebook quiz once said that the Lord of the Rings character I was most like was Sauron, so maybe I am missing my calling? I could be a Dark Lord, easy. There’s nothing to it, all you have to do is keep your minions motivated, avoid making a nemesis and try not to put all your power in flashy bits of gold jewellery that can be thrown into volcanoes. How hard can it be? Plus you get a snazzy outfit (usually black) and it’s a job for life. Next time I am at the Jobcentre I shall tell them I will accept no vacancy less than Supreme Ruler of Earth. And when they ask why, I shall tell them that an internet personality test told me so.